Mood: Sick to My stomach
So last night, I went to class and decided to chill at Metropolis to hang out with a couple of friends. Gave them a ride home and forgot to call phu. He got angry and decided to not want to talk to me. This weekend I was suppose to come through over to his place to spend time with him, but I figured that I have homework to finish and open house is all weekend. Parent will probably need all the help they can get. Last night, I decided to come down there to surprise him. Came down there around 2-3 in the morning. He wouldn't pick up his phone and I didn't see his car anywhere near the house. Got frustrated so went to the other side of the car to get my jacket and was going to get back into the car and sleep. But when I put the jacket on, the door closed on me with the keys inside. and tried called jowe but remembered that before I left that he slept in my room when his phone is in his room. FML. Pissed, but eventually Phu picked up the phone and I got inside. Told him I'll deal with it later. Right now, i'm at work with him and he's working on his car. He told me to watch naruto on his comp. I found porn instead, plus a ex gf file of girls spreading their pussies all over the camera n shit. This is recently and I told him about it and he says he doesn't know where their from. Whatever, after our fight about telling me about his emotions and all. and trying to make things better for both of us, he does the exact opposite. >_> I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. I want to leave and end this, but I'm stuck here without a car.
So I went to work today, still bothered about how my hours are being cut. Came in at 9 like I thought I was suppose to. Talked to ms. oh about the situation, she shoved it off saying that It's okay to not work your full five hours because you get more tip than everyone else since you work morning shift, it should make up for the lost hour. I don't care. if tip whatever, all of my tips are split with everyone else and plus I need the money. it's not like I'm working just to work. I got bills to pay. She doesn't seem to understand that. Kat's schedule didn't change cause she wants to keep her regular schedule just in case if it gets busy later. That's unfair, no matter what people say, I've worked there for a whole year. She worked there for a good three months and I get my hours cut. >_< Well, I tried to talk things through with her to make her understand that what shes doing is unfair whether or not if the business is slow. The business being slow is not my fault, why is it pointed at me? I wouldn't care if both Kat and I got cut, but I'm just pissed that it was focused on me than anything. So now, I'm going to look for a second job, gay that I was going to ask for a raise, but I doubt that's going to happen. I give and give and give, and they just keep taking and taking. well, let's put work aside..
Whats REALLY bothering me lately..
Phu & I have been together for a while now. today is our anniversary, we have our good days & our bad ones. I believe that our relationship can grow a lot stronger the more we can communicate. I have my insecurities., it's hard to explain it all at once. but it's hard to trust him at times. I tell him that, but he gets defensive, he doesn't try to understand my side of the story. My insecurities react to how he treats me at times and how he acts around me. I feel... not up to his level?? Of what he expects of me or what he wants me to be. That's what I feel. I feel that I am someone that is just there. Not someone that he would want to be proud to be with. I feel that he wants more, someone else. My looks, My personality isn't enough for him. He wants more. He loves what I have to offer don't get me wrong, but I feel that what I have on the outside is what's killing him. I feel like, he's not happy of how I look and how I treat myself. Even though, he says I'm the best girlfriend ever, but there's so much more than that. He tell me that I'm fine just the way I am, and I don't have to change for him. He's happy with me he says. but then I walk into his room im surrounded by what he idolizes... his background desktop tall, skinny blonde with blue eyes, his documents & files he sends me.. tall, white skinny blue eyes. He brags to be about how beautiful they are, and he expects me to feel confident about myself when I'm around him. It hit be pretty bad yesterday when I tried to talk to him about this situation and he just got fed up.. he goes if I don't trust him than its better off that we shouldn't be in a relationship. Back then, he would try to be with me and tell me that he'll try to do better to make me happy. I mean, I made my sacrifices and try my best to make him happy. Shit. I even baby him to death and try to trust him when he tells me that he Really Doesn't know any better. It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that guys tell girls that they had no idea what they were getting themselves into. . when its soo logical/common sense for them to not get into these type of situations. I ask myself, am I willing to go along with this further? I mean what he proved to me a couple of days ago is that He's tired of hearing me yap about my insecurities and that he's fed up and ready to give up. I've been with him for how long? & I've babied and been easygoing about everything until now. How much more can I hide it in and pretend that everything is going to be okay? Our relationship is great when we are together, we really don't have that many issues, but this situation has been stuck in my head ever since we've gotten together. And we have never settled it out. He ignores and shoves it away, but the problem always comes to haunt us. This reason makes me unhappy about our relationship. This situation causes me to rethink our relationship cause I feel, I really feel that I'm more of a mother to him than a girlfriend. I'm the person that's stuck in the back watching your every move and nick picking at you when you do something wrong. Because you don't want to learn, you don't want to become a better boyfriend, You just want to do whatever you want without any consequences. Your not man enough to accept your own faults. Your not ready to grow up yet. That is how I feel. If your willing to grow up, you would help me in this journey, to help me feel as special as you want me to feel being your girlfriend as I do for you. I am your second mother, I cook, clean, put up with your parents shit, plus yours and give you whatever you want no questions ask and I hold my emotions inside, because your not willing to listen. I hear him compliment his friends and entertainers than he would ever compliment me. I hear your beautiful one moment, the next "your trying to lose weight and your eating that? Good luck Your thunder thighs are just going to get bigger" I never cared about my weight once, still don't I feel perfectly fine the way I am. I'm growing. but the idea that you make fun of me and me feel like a piece of garbage compared to your goddesses that you always admire doesn't help me feel any better. I want to talk to you about this today, but you sound so happy over the phone, having no idea what's going through my head today. So I keep it inside, I don't want to ruin your day or you getting angry at me, pulling a guilt trip on me, making me sound like a crazy bitch. If I do sound like crazy bitch to you, maybe that's because you will never put your place in my shoes to see how I feel of the things you put me through. You will never understand the pressure that is put upon me, & if you don't understand then maybe YES, it would be a good idea for us to take our relationship of a whole new level. Apart.
So freaking irritated today! I don't know whats going on at work, but it's freaking me out. >_> so the day before yesterday (I'm blogging so late at night when I should be sleeping) Ms. Oh tells me to clock out half an hour early. Didn't bother me to much because it was a very slow on that day. This morning, she calls me around 8 o'clock to tell me to come in at ten o'clock today. O-o? why? Okay, I set my alarm for another hour ( i was like whatever cool another hour of sleep right?) Woke up pretty late. Exactly ten since my alarm didn't go off when it was suppose to hurried to work. Tried to finish everything up on time. Then I ended up having to cover for Kat. didn't bother me much, what bothered me was that Ms.oh seemed pissed about it. I really don't understand whats going on with her. Why is she being so edgy with me? I haven't done anything bad to her, but to only be her freaking secretary and take her business calls when my JOB is to be a CASHIER/SERVER. >_> Jeez, I don't slack that's not my thing at work, I do a good ten things more than i'm suppose to on a daily basis. So what is it?! This month is my one year to work here, and I have a feeling that shes trying to cut my hours off. which is very unfair for me. I asked kat if her schedule changed at all, she said no. that's shady. YES, it is. So i figured that since shes trying to cut my hours, shes definitely not going to give me a raise. >;[ now what? I guess time will only tell, when I have to look for another job. This is ridiculous. Anyways, vania and I didn't get to watch Vampire Suck cause it was fully packed two hours ahead of showing >_>. Oh wells, it really bummed us out but whatever. How worst can a day get?? Came home, chilled and now blogging cause i'm worried about work. *sighs* good thing, for a new day. Today is me and my loves anniversary! 3yrs and 6months baby! =] Congrats to us, and more.
It's Saturday and I came through to santa rosa to visit my phufoo. Last night, had a fun time cooking over at Garys with Jack & alicia. =] Movie night lightweight. We watched Something of Fury LOL. It was a pretty good movie. C -! Went to go watch The last exorcism. When I first watched it, I was really disappointed because I thought there would be soo much more. But then, since the movie didn't come out yet. I actually really wanna watch it over again =]. Right now, phus in the shower. We just got back home from Walmart. Back to school shopping man. =] Fun stuff. Guess what? I get to eat oysters tomorrow! yum yum!! Not really for school though. I JUST finished up summer school, so I feel like I had no vacation. Gay. Whatever though. I love phu. We've bonded a lot better now, since all that drama in the past is finally over. We grew stronger. Good thing! I slept in today and didn't wake up till 4 oclock. LOL phu was working on his car most of the time =] okay phus out. and hes happy with his new boxers LOL